


My Funny Valentine

by jazzypizzaz



Series: Can't Buy Me Love [1]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Bashir/Garak (background), Gen, Getting Together, Humiliation, Kira/Ezri (background), M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-05 13:58:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6707035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jazzypizzaz/pseuds/jazzypizzaz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vic is throwing a Valentine's Day party, and everyone but Quark has a date.  Or, the fic where Quark and Odo sing songs at each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Funny Valentine

**Author's Note:**

> Forgive me for I have sinned. Special thanks goes to [Art](http://www.obstinatecondolement.tumblr.com) for their suggestion of singing My Funny Valentine to Quark.
> 
> This takes place sometime in Season 7 I guess. Just go with it!

Quark is surveying his pathetically empty bar, when-- a sight for sore eyes-- four of his best customers walk in.  His brief excitement is tempered, however, when he realizes that they’re dressed up in the long gowns and structured suits that characterize proper garb for 1960s Las Vegas.

“If you want to _actually_ have a good time, all while helping out a friend, you should buy some of my drinks and hang out here!”  He suggests to the group.

 

Ezri, resplendent in a ruffly pink shirt and a tight black skirt, pouts at him.  “But Vic’s is having a Valentine’s Day party!  There’s no one at your bar, anyway, and it’s not a party without the buzz of a happy crowd at your elbows.”

 

“But if you all had your party _here_ , then there _would_ be a crowd!”  Quark really doesn’t understand the appeal of that weird hew-mon program that even the non-humans seem to all enjoy.

 

Ezri shrugs, unbothered.  “Vic’s the expert on old Human holidays, and he can’t come out here.  You’re quite welcome to come along, Quark.  We can get Vic to dedicate a song to you.”

 

“I don’t need a pity song,” Quark mumbles.  “Although… if he were willing to split profits for the night with me, I’d consider it…” His face perks up with a sly smile and he looks at Ezri expectantly.

 

“We use holographic money for holographic drinks, Quark.  It wouldn’t do you much good even if it would be fair for Vic to share his hard-won earnings.” Julian chimes in.  He is wearing a flamboyant dusty rose colored tux and manages to pull it off somehow.

 

Quark harrumphs and rolls his eyes, arms crossed. “Whatever… what kind of lame hew-man holiday is this Bally-tine you speak of anyway?”

 

“Ahhh, it’s the most pure of Earth traditions-- named for an old holy figure, it’s a day of romance, a time to exclaim your love, to wear your heart on your sleeve, to shout your feelings from the rooftops!”  Julian throws his arms wide, his voice rising in volume in the drama of his proclamations.

 

Miles snorts.  “Not like you need a special day to do that, Romeo.”  His style is much more classic and subdued, a simple charcoal grey suit with a red tie.

 

Julian keeps grinning, regardless of the jibe.  “My efforts do seem to be better received on this particular day, though.”  He puts his arm around Ezri’s shoulders and squeezes.  She gives him an indulgent smile.

 

“Whose heart does one ‘wear’ on their sleeve? A vanquished enemy, to prove loyalty to a lover?  Perhaps I will enjoy this party after all,” Worf ponders.  Worf is still in his Starfleet uniform, but has conceded to a jaunty black cap perched atop his head.  Quark wonders who talked him into tagging along.

 

“Oh not literal hearts, but gift giving in general is one key tradition for the holiday.  Centuries ago, there was some thought that the holiday was established to feed the machine of unchecked consumerism and fuel corporate profits, rather than loftier concepts of romantic love.  Usually the gift giving would involve flower or chocolates, rather than body parts, so as Chief Medical Officer I request that internal organs _remain_ internal.”  Julian chuckles at his own joke.

 

“Unchecked consumerism and profits you say?  I’m beginning to warm to this holiday after all… Preying on people’s loneliness and need to be loved in order to sell luxury items, hmmm, there’s a smart thought…”  Quark muses.

 

Kira struts up, dressed in a flowing red gown with her other arm on her hip.  Odo holds her other arm, but lets go when they approach Quark.  Kira taps her foot impatiently, gesturing towards the group.  “Well?  Are we going?  Ben and Kasidy are waiting up there already.  You don’t want to make the Captain impatient; we had a hard enough time getting him to join us.”

 

“And I don’t think the _Captain_ would approve of you turning his date night into an opportunity to make profit.”  Odo growls at Quark.  “Also I have been informed we will be exchanging songs and that no other gifts will be accepted...?”  Odo glances at Kira for confirmation, who nods smiling.  

 

“But I suppose maybe you don’t have an ear for ‘hew-mon so-called music’, do you Quark?” Odo says to Quark sarcastically.  Kira rolls her eyes, but is smiling like she knows a secret.

 

“Uhh hello!!” Quark gestures emphatically to his large lobes. “I have _quite_ the ear for music, even by hew-mons.”

 

“Speaking of dates, Vic said this is a night for couples only.  Miles and Worf, are you going alone or..?”  Kira says quizzically.

 

Julian, his arm still around Ezri, throws his other arm around Miles.  “Yes, well Keiko is on a research project in Bajor, so Miles is actually going to be _my_ date--”

 

Ezri pulls a reluctant Worf into a side hug with the arm that isn’t intertwined with Julian.  “So Worf will be my Valentine for the night!”  She winks, her face impish, and she leans in toward Kira as if to impart a secret. “As a friend only, of course.  Don’t tell Vic we’re fudging it a bit.”

 

Worf looks uncomfortable at being drawn into this situation, but doesn’t pull away from Ezri, like he's secretly happy to be included in the group instead of spending the night moping like usual.  Kira shrugs, but he notices her giving Ezri a quick once-over.  Quark doesn’t blame her-- that black skirt is really tight.

 

“Anyway, you’re welcome to join us whenever Quark.” Ezri waves goodbye, and the foursome, breaking off into the assigned twosomes, heads up towards the holosuite.

 

“Don’t worry, Quark, I’m sure you could get a dabo girl to be your date if you want a break from being alone and miserable,” Odo says with a sarcastic twang, “but if you don’t want to go broke from bribing her, _we_ understand you choosing to stay here by yourself in this empty bar instead.”

 

“I have the sweet jingle of future profit to keep me company.  I wouldn’t want to leave my stacks of gold-plated latinum to hang out with you ugly people on a stupid made-up hew-mon holiday.  They would miss me!”  Quark scowls at Odo and Kira, feeling a bit put out, then turns to the liquor stash behind the bar, pretending to straighten and rearrange them.  That was a particularly lame comeback, even for him.

 

Kira quirks an eyebrow and Odo hrrumphs in amusement.  “We sure won’t miss having your hideous mug skulking about,” Odo says and the couple turns to join the rest of the party up the stairs.

 

Quark doesn’t look up from his bottles.  He doesn’t watch Odo lean in to whisper something in Kira’s ear, he doesn’t groan at her patting him on the shoulder, and he certainly doesn’t gaze longingly at how Odo’s hand rests gently at the small of her back.  Okay so maybe he glances up at them, just quick enough for them not to notice.

 

(He, in fact, _doesn’t_ see Odo hesitate on the stairs, glancing back at him as if unsure if he should say something else to Quark, but Kira shakes her head and pulls him along before anything happens.)

 

Quark continues putzing about the bar, cleaning and rearranging, but with how slow business has been, there’s not really anything to do.  After about an hour, he sighs heavily and figures he might as well call it a night and read Ferenginar Business Weekly in his quarters until he can drift off to sleep, when Garak saunters in, dressed to the nines in a weird Cardassian version of a tux, which layers several fabrics of varying shades of pink and red into a structured suit.  Quark doesn’t understand how everyone could be satisfied to wear only one or two colors in an outfit, but he has always admired the tailor’s panache, even if it’s still not quite up to Ferengi fashion standards.  If business had been better recently, he could commission another jacket from Garak, but alas.  It’s not like it would catch Od--anyone’s-- eye anyway.

 

(Why would nice clothes catch the eye of a man who doesn’t wear them?  Quark shakes that thought out of his head before it breaches his subconscious.)

 

Quark addresses the newly arrived potential customer in his most welcoming tone.  “If you’re going to Vic’s, I’ve been told you have to show up with a date.  I wouldn’t think you would want to bother going to a silly hew-mon party anyway.  Why don’t you stay here instead?  I just got a new vintage of kanar in that I think you’d enjoy?  It’s expensive, _but worth it_ trust me.”  

 

Garak raises an eye ridge, bemused.  “True, the overbearing sentimentality of the event turns my stomach, but I wouldn’t want to deprive everyone of my singing voice!  Weaving melodies isn’t so different from stitching cloth, you know, both are the work of an artist.  I do hope Vic doesn’t mind me singing about my undying love for the Cardassian countryside.”

 

“Oh really.” Quark says flatly.  He sighs.  “I spend all my valuable time establishing a certain multicultural ambience in my bar, stocking all manner of strange alien drinks just so everyone that passes through can feel at home here and bond over the universal desire to get drunk and part with their latinum.  But instead they decide to go to an old hew-man holosuite program that doesn’t even serve real drinks!   No one appreciates what I do for them.”

 

Garak smiles cheerily.  He tilts his head in apology to Quark.  “These do sound like trying times for you, indeed.  Despite not arriving with a date, I have a feeling my presence will be well-received by the end of the night.  There’s a lot to be said for being in the right place at the right time, as I’m sure you understand.”

 

“Opportunity plus instinct equals profit, Rule of Acquisition number nine…” Quark says slowly, thinking.

 

Garak raises both his eye ridges.  “If you say so.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I wouldn’t want to deprive them of my voice any longer.”

 

Quark watches Garak leave, then after another half an hour of feeling sorry for himself, swears under his breath and runs up the stairs to join the party.

 

\------------------

  


“[ _When I was twenty-one, it was a very good year_ ](https://youtu.be/C7ur8VXAXv8?t=70) _… It was a very good year for city girls._ ”  When Quark enters, Ezri is on stage, crooning out a slow sweet number, her face soft and nostalgic.

 

Quark notices a few couples, Odo and Kira included, slow-dancing near Ben and Kasidy upfront.  He frowns and joins the group of guys at the bar.

 

Miles at the bar squints at Ezri as if trying to figure something out.  He tilts his head towards Julian beside him, and says, “Why’s your girl out singing about all her past lovers?  I thought this was supposed to be a romantic night…”

 

_Who lived up the stairs..._

 

Julian frowns.  “Well, she’s not quite _my_ girl, I suppose.  I mean, not officially, although I thought...  Do you think she means when Dax was twenty-one or Ezri Tegan?”

 

_With all that perfumed hair..._

 

Miles lets out a low whistle.  “Either way that’s quite a lot of girls.  Is there a Dax that doesn’t have more game than you, eh?”  His tone is good-natured teasing, but Julian continues frowning.

 

_And it came undone..._

 

On the other side of Julian, Garak is smirking at this exchange.  “Oh dear I must have gotten my Sinatra mixed around when I suggested this song to her.  I wouldn’t worry about it too much, Julian.  I’m sure you could compete with those city girls for Ezri if you perfumed your hair.”

 

“I thought she would choose a song to sing to _me…_ ” Julian mutters.

 

_When I was thirty-five, it was a very good year._

 

Quark listens to this pathetic exchange-- it’s always useful for a bartender to keep track of the social dynamics of his customers-- while watching the dance floor.  Odo and Kira have stopped slow-dancing-- Odo having been sent off to get a drink is headed towards the bar.  Kira slouches in a chair up front, and Ezri sings directly to her, writhing somewhat suggestively, her eyes all come hither.

 

_It was a very good year for blue-blooded girls._

 

“Huh.  What alien fe-males have blue blood?  Vulcans?  I had thought Bajorans had red.”

 

Miles and Julian turn towards Quark abruptly, not having realized he joined them.  “They do, as do humans.” Julian mutters darkly.

 

Ezri has now invited Kira up on stage, dancing with her as she continues the song.  Kira is laughing and trying to dance along-- Ezri hasn’t looked away from her once.

 

“Maybe you should sing to Ezri next, so uuhh she knows how you feel--”  Miles suggests, before being interrupted by his combadge:

 

Bee-deep! <Chief O’Brien?  I’m sorry to bother you, but Molly can’t sleep and she’s asking--> Yoshi cuts off the rest of the transmission, crying in the background.

 

“Don’t worry about it Ensign, I’m on my way.”  Miles pushes off from the bar, his eyes flick towards Ezri and Kira flirting on stage, before he looks at Julian apologetically. “Sorry to end our date so soon, are you going to--”

 

Garak has now sidled up beside Julian, still smirking.  “I would be more than happy to keep Julian company in your absence, Chief.  Don’t worry, I’ll get him to bed at a proper hour.”

 

Miles doesn’t look comforted by that, but nods distractedly.  Worf joins him as he walks off towards the exit.  “I would be happy to assist you Chief.  As I remember Yoshi enjoys my company. And I believe I have had enough of the festivities tonight.”

 

Quark snorts, watching them leave.  “That old prune, I’m surprised he loosened up enough to come out to Vic’s at all, especially without Jadzia…”  

 

Ezri is done singing now, and Quark covers his ears, wincing in pain as the room erupts with noise as people both holographic and real applaud her performance.  Holding Kira’s hand, Ezri drags her off the stage, and Quark watches as they sit at a table together, holding hands, leaning close, and giggling.  Well isn’t that interesting.  What would happen if Quark inserted himself between the two of them, their lovely hands stroking his head, his lobes…?  Come to think of it what does Odo think of this development?  Perhaps he could use some company…?

 

Quark’s thoughts are interrupted by an abrupt chortle and he jumps about a foot.  “Yes well Ezri does seem to be channelling Jadzia at the moment,” Odo says wryly from beside Quark.  He shifts towards the bar and calls out a drink order to the bartender. “Oh uhh one ‘martini’ I believe it’s called, nothing for me.”

 

Quark has his hand on his chest, his heart racing.  “ _Warn_ a guy before you sneak up on him!  Do you practice how best to startle people when they’re not paying attention.  Wait.. don’t answer that.”

 

Odo snorts.  “If I can sneak up on those hideous oversized ears, I can sneak up on anyone.  It’s a good skill for a security officer of my caliber.  Bartender, make that martini dirty-- extra olive juice.”

 

Quark quirks an eyebrow.  “Are you ordering me a _drink_?  How uncharacteristically thoughtful of you.”  The bartender hands Odo the drink, who gives it to Quark.  Quark takes a gulp.  The salty bitterness is nice, but he prefers the thick silkiness of the kind made with Earth-chicken eggs-- the texture almost reminds him of slug juice.   Overall, not bad for a holographic drink, he admits to himself begrudgingly.

 

“It’s in my best interest to keep your mouth occupied.  Any moment you’re filling it with liquids, you’re not poisoning the air with your inane chatter,” Odo says.

 

“Unfortunately for me there’s nothing I can stuff in your mouth that would shut up your grumpy complaining-- you’d just make a new mouth.  It’s disgusting, and I don’t want to have to watch that.”  Quark shoots back delightedly.

 

Odo hrrumphs.  As they turn to watch a [ Bajoran woman singing ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIHWmW1eyUg) the next number to her partner, Quark catches a snatch of Garak whispering to Julian: “The aggressive innuendos between those two are positively Cardassian.  It almost makes me feel at home!  This Valentine’s thing isn’t so foreign after all.”  

 

Really Garak should know better than to attempt to whisper when Quark’s ears are in range… Quark shifts uncomfortably and pointedly turns away from Odo to watch the dance floor.  Ezri is swinging Kira around; the song is fast and upbeat and Quark finds himself bopping his head along to the beat in spite of himself.  Ezri always seems so young, so it’s strange to think that she’s really over three hundred years old.  And Kira, while also young, had grown up too fast, taking on responsibilities well before most children are expected. There isn’t enough music at his bar, perhaps he should consider having a regular dance night.  It would help loosen everyone up, and maybe even boost per customer drink sales.  The [ next song being sung ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hxibHJOE5E) is about flying away to the moon, but Quark is skeptical that any of the Bajoran moons nearby would make for a pleasurable vacation spot.  No, he wouldn’t play any of these silly hew-man songs of course-- he can’t compete with Vic for that-- but he could probably get a few traditional Ferengi dances to catch on with the crowd.  It was popular enough at Jadzia’s bachelorette party, bless her soul in Sto-vo-kor.

 

“I wonder if Quark realizes Kira and Odo decided not to be exclusive.  I suppose for changelings, the Great Link is a constant hedonistic orgy..”  Garak continues whispering on into Julian’s eager ear, and once Quark jerks his head up in surprise, Garak makes quick eye contact with him and winks.  Nothing with that profit-forsaken lizard is unintentional, oh of course not.  Julian, for his part, looks scandalized, but he _has_ shifted closer to Garak in order to hear the gossip, his face now mere inches from Garak’s, which Quark figures is also intentional on Garak’s part.

 

Quark glances furtively to his other side.  Odo is standing stiffly next to him, his face soft as he watches Kira and Ezri dance.  He seems thoughtful, rather than hurt or jealous as Quark would expect.  Maybe Garak was telling the truth, well at least in part.  Quark opens his mouth to speak, but has no idea what to say.  It seems like it would be rude to disrupt Odo’s reverie with a barb, and he wouldn’t want to be caught saying anything sincere to him.

 

Odo beats him to it.  “I don’t see a dabo girl draped all over you.  Did she decide she has more self-respect than that, or did you not have enough bribe money in your pockets?”

 

Quark gapes at him.  Odo is leaning back against the bar, looking perfectly at home in his sharp cut suit that flatters the angles of his body.  Quark wonders if Garak has been teaching Odo how to make better fitting clothes.  Odo is smirking at him as he stares, and Quark for a moment starts to imagine Odo draped all over him, which is probably why the next words out of his mouth are:

 

“Garak was my date, we’ve been an item for some time now, but uh--” Oh god, how embarrassing.  It’s not even a good lie, and even if it were something approaching the truth that wouldn’t be any better than the real reason Quark is here, because while he came here alone, he also came with a delusional hope for a miracle that he wouldn’t _leave_ the party alone… Garak looks towards them surprised and amused, but instead of commenting leads a baffled but intrigued Julian to the dance floor, away from the mess.

 

“Heh… Did I say Garak…?  Uhh, well it doesn’t look like your date is going so well either, and I’ll have you know that Glidia was begging for my company, but uuhhh...”

 

Odo and his stupid smooth face is still smirking at Quark, and Quark wishes he would stop looking at him like that, it’s a dangerous amount of eye contact, and Quark doesn’t quite know what to do with himself. Odo is about to come back with a retort, when Vic beats him to it, as he walks up to them and says, “Hey boys.  I’m looking for our next act.  Odo, are you ready to do one of the numbers we talked about?”

 

“Sure thing.  I think I’ll do the fourth one I practiced.”

 

“If you say so pally… Are you sure?  I don’t know if that’s as romantic as you seem to think it will be--”

 

“Oh no, it will be perfect.  You’ll love it.”  Odo is talking to Vic, but is still looking at Quark, who takes an awkward sip of his martini in attempt to break this weird tension building between them.

 

“Well okay, you’re the boss.”  Vic throws his hands up in surrender.  “I didn’t realize when I was teaching you how to be romantic, you’d turn out to be such a Don Juan.  But just know I’ll be the first to say I told you so if it doesn’t go as planned.”  

 

Odo heads off towards the stage.  Vic turns to Quark and says, “You might want to sit up front for this one.  God knows I warned him.”

 

Quark, mops his forehead as it starts to sweat, and orders another drink.  He’s intrigued, but a pit of dread builds in his stomach.  He’s not really sure he wants to know what’s coming, but does as Vic says and sits next to Kira and Ezri upfront.

 

\-------------

 

“I think you’ll all be able to guess who this song is for,”  Odo says, [ then starts to sing ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JOSH9H82Jc0) , “ _My funny valentine, sweet comic valentine, you make me smile with my heart.._ ”

Well this isn’t so bad, Quark thinks.  Next to him Kira is grinning expectantly.  Quark would never dare laugh at Kira, and she rarely seems to be deliberately funny, at least in front of him, but hey Odo wouldn’t know a good joke if it bit him on his ass, so to each their own.

_Your looks are laughable...Unphotographable…_

Well that isn’t very nice at all.  Quark looks at Kira’s reaction, mentally mapping out the exits in case she is about to fly into a fit of rage.  Instead, she’s giggling again, whispering into Ezri’s ear.  

_Yet you’re my favourite work of art… Is your figure less than greek… Is your mouth a little weak…_

Whatever Kira has said to Ezri has elicited a sudden guffaw from her mouth.  They are both giggling now and glancing furtively at Quark.  

_When you open it to speak… Are you smart?_

Really, he thinks, Kira should be the one insulted.  Sure Odo thinks she’s a work of art, but a weak mouth?  Questioning her intellect?  That hardly seems nice, even if fe-males don’t have the same business sense as males do.  Odo really ought to listen to his advice about women-- they don’t like to be told they’re not smart, that much he does know.  Quark shakes his head in bafflement and looks back up at the stage.  To his surprise and horror, Odo is looking directly at him while singing and probably has been the whole time.

 _But please please change your hair for me_ \-- I mean it Quark you hideous troll-- _if you care for me_

At the mention of hair, the top of Odo’s head morphs into Ferengi lobes then back into his slicked back look.  With the small spoken aside and the visual gag, the room erupts into laughter, and it feels like someone has punched him in the gut.  Quark, finally, realizes that Odo is in fact singing _to_ him, and his skin prickles as it dawns on him that Kira, Ezri, and everyone in the room is laughing _at_ him.  

_Stay little valentine stay… Each day is valentine's day_

He hears these last lines, and the following repeated chorus, but only distantly as his heart pounds louder and louder and his ears are ringing in shame, throbbing and tingling-- which hey that’s strange and embarrassing and _not_ the reaction expected considering what’s going on in the rest of his body-- and Kira is laughing so hard she’s having trouble breathing and reaches out to clutch his arm, but Quark stands up abruptly, shaking off her grasp, the harsh screech of his chair probably only audible to him over the music.  He doesn’t think about anything at all as he stalks towards the exit.

_Stay little valentine stay… Each day is valentine's day_

“Hey pally--!” Vic tries to catch his attention, but Quark is already leaving the holosuite.  

Quark crumples down to the ground just outside the door of the holosuite.  His stomach is flipping as if he had just eaten live jumping beetles even though dinner was hours ago and surely the wriggly tube grubs were dead by now.  His ears continue to throb, but he ignores them as he tries to process what just happened.

“Hey.. Quark?  Are you alright?”  Ezri pokes her head out of the holosuite then sits down next to him on the floor.  “It was just a joke, hun.  We thought you were laughing along.”

“Does it look like _I’m_ laughing?” Quark says morosely.  His lobes are tingling, and he considers stroking them, but then Ezri would know what was actually going on--

“No, it doesn’t.”  Ezri wrinkles face in thought.  “But you know what your relationship is like.  You wouldn’t believe him if he was suddenly singing, I don’t know, _Love is Like Latinum_ or something.”

Quark snorts at the thought.  “I’d be waiting for the punchline… Odo singing Ferengi songs, insulting our noble culture.  I’d have to sue him for emotional damages.  Hey!”  He perks up. “Maybe I can still sue him!  I’m, ya know, emotional, and he damaged me.”

Ezri looks at him, her blue eyes sparkling. “Is that what you _really_ want to do?  Are you sure you didn’t, maybe, enjoy it?  Jadzia remembers that you’ve always been attracted… to _powerful_ women, who can uuh boss you around, so it wouldn’t be so crazy if whatever is going on between you and Odo...”  Her face reddens as she keeps talking, but she maintains eye contact as if determined to power through this awkward conversation as a professional.  “It’s perfectly natural.  Everyone has different things they’re into.”

“Oh yeah, and what kind of weird and wild things are _you_ into?” Quark says lavaciously, waggling his eyebrows at her, but when Ezri doesn’t react, just keeps staring at him, he sighs heavily and looks away.  “And then what kind of Ferengi would I be?  It’s one thing to be with a lovely clothed non-Ferengi woman--” Quark nods towards her in acknowledgement of his previous pursual of her and Jadzia “--not completely acceptable, but I could always tell other Ferengi that the aim is to tame her before marriage… but the man who has foiled my every devious plot and humiliates me every chance he gets?  I do have some self-respect, despite what people might think.”

Ezri tilts her head thoughtfully.  “Well, he isn’t, technically, clothed.. Really he walks around naked all day long!  Does that help?”

Quark snorts, Ezri grins, and they both start laughing.  It doesn’t help his dilemma, but it does lighten his gloomy mood.

“Don’t tell him you said that, he’s sensitive about that sort of thing. Okay okay.”  Quark stands up and reaches out his hand to help Ezri up.  “And, uh, what about you and Kira, ehh?  Two lovely ladies, and no proper lobes to stroke… You don’t think that you’d, uh, welcome some company there, do you?” Quark grins his most winning grin.  The throbbing in his lobes had dissipated with their conversation, but at this thought they start to tingle urgently once more.

“You’re just trying to deflect because your feelings about Odo scare you.  But umm does it look like it’s going good to you?  between Kira and me?”  Ezri flushes pinkly, her eyes a bit starry as she mentions Kira.

“Are all counselors this smug and insecure?  Not only is it contradictory, but I thought you were a professional.” Quark retorts grumpily.  

“No, Quark, I’m asking as a, uhh, friend.  I just, I really want it to work out.  Jadzia always had a thing for her, but never acted on it, and well I _thought_ that Jadzia had been attracted to Julian, but that wasn’t right it was someone else close to her, Kira, but well Jadzia had been attracted to a lot of people, like a lot a lot, but this time I’m pretty sure it’s _Ezri_ that likes Kira?  She’s small and cute and… straightforward.  That’s refreshing.  And calming for me.  And Odo’s been so understanding, so I really what I wanted was to make sure this Valentine’s thing works out for him too, and oh god I’m babbling I’m so sorry, it just happens and I can’t stop it.”  Ezri clamps her hands over her mouth as if to stop the words from spewing out further.

Quark chuckles and puts his arm around her shoulders, guiding her towards the holosuite.  “Kira would have to be an idiot not to fall in love with you, and she’s many things-- terrifying comes to mind, also really sexy? I’ve had fantasies of my own… uuh don’t tell her I said that-- but she has a good head on her shoulders and a good heart.  Or so I’ve heard, I wouldn’t know as I’ve been told on good authority that I don’t have a heart.  Anyway, I’ve got an idea, and you’ll want to watch this next song…”

\---------------

On the stage, Vic addresses the crowd, “Hello there lovebirds, I hope everyone’s having a grand time tonight.  Remember to treat your sweethearts right.  Now, I know we’ve had some drama tonight, but I hope with this next song, we can put that all behind us and hold your lovers close.  Hit it!”  Vic directs the piano player to start and gestures to the back of the room, his eyes flashing a warning-- _don’t make this worse_.

Quark clears his throat and holds out a PADD in front of his face in one hand so he can read the lyrics, a microphone in the other.  He begins singing hoarsely, walking from the back of the room towards the stage.

“[ _There's a saying old says that love is blind_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y1p8jrZ5u1U)\-- haha it’d have to be with some of the dates here tonight--”

 

Vic looks at him, peeved.  Right he’s supposed to be singing not nervously starting a comedy act.  He clears his throat again as the piano player trucks on and Quark skips the next line so he can join in on time--

 

_So I’m going to seek a certain lad I’ve had in mind_

_Looking everywhere, haven't found him yet_

 

 _He’s the big affair_ \--haha he thinks so uuhhh--

_Only man I ever think of with regret_

_I’d like to add his initial to my monogram--_ well then it wouldn't be a monogram now would it?--

_Tell me, where is the shepherd for this lost lamb?_

 

Quark has made his way up to the stage by now.  His spoken asides keep leaving him off-rhythm, but honestly who wrote this drivel?  He had only really listened to the chorus before choosing it to sing.  At the last line, he dramatically looks around and holds the PADD up to shade his eyes from the overhead lights.  The crowd is mostly looking bewildered and annoyed at his singing, which in addition to being off beat is also croaky and hoarse.  He should have had another drink before trying this, ugh.  That’s okay, he’s really only here to sing to one person.

 

(What the hell is a lamb anyway?  Is that a good thing?)

_There's a somebody I’m longing to see_

_I hope that he turns out to be_

 

The crowd starts booing.  Okay okay so Quark has never sung a day in his life?  No need to be rude!  Vic tries to hush them, but Quark is rattled until he finds Odo in the crowd and locks eyes with him.  Odo isn’t laughing or booing.  He’s standing still, his arms crossed, that telltale smirk on his face, and Quark is emboldened to continue.

 

_Someone who’ll watch over me_

_I’m a little lamb who’s lost in the wood_

 

Quark can see Odo laugh at these lines, his shoulders heaving up and down with that squawky chortle of his.  Quark’s grin widens and he belts out the next lines with gusto.

 

_I know I could always be good_

_Someone who’ll watch over me_

 

The crowd is restless, and some of them look ready to throw things.  Vic, a bit panicked, is talking with the sound technician, and Quark notices the volume of his mic being turned down.  No matter, Odo can still hear him, and Vic had promised he could sing this song to the end.  Quark glances towards where Sisko and Kasidy are trying to guide people that aren’t holograms away from lunging at Quark and towards the gambling tables in the next room.

 

_Although I may not be the man some_

_Girls think of as handsome_

(No idea why, would you look at these lobes??)

_Won’t you tell him please to put on some speed_

 

Quark points at Odo and gestures for him to join him on stage, waggling his eyebrows and giving a light suggestive touch to his lobes.  Odo snorts derisively, but remains standing stoically with his arms crossed.  Meanwhile, those left at the tables are booing so loudly that Quark’s voice is almost drowned out in the raucous din, but he manages to stumble through to the end.

 

_Follow my lead, oh, how I need_

_Someone to watch over me_

 

As the last notes trail off, Vic heaves a relieved sigh and darts on stage to take the mic from Quark.  Quark hands it off to him without really noticing, his face broken out into such a huge grin every one of his carefully sharpened teeth glitter under the stage lights.  The crowd has quieted now that he’s no longer singing; they’re no longer booing but instead talking among themselves.

 

“Odo!  Will you watch over me?  Will you let me be your funny valentine?  I’ll be good, I swear I’ll be good!  For you I’ll try,” Quark yells out.  He is down on his knees, his wrists together extended in front of him.  A few people laugh.  A few others-- Julian, Ezri, and Kira among them-- cheer and clap.

 

“Quark,” Odo shakes his head, trying to keep a stern face but a grin keeps poking through, “I doubt your trying to be good has anything to do with it.  If that was the best singing you could muster, despite I assume your best efforts towards the matter, then I’m afraid your promises to _try_ don’t mean much at all.”

 

Quark keeps grinning daftly, jumping down from the stage and elbowing his way towards Odo.  “Did you hear that?” He yells grandly, “He loves me!  He really loves me!”

 

Odo hrrumphs and shifts.  “Quark hush, you’re embarrassing yourself.”

 

“Odo, let the man speak!  It’s Valentine’s Day, so don’t be afraid to shout it from the rooftops, Quark!  Cheers!”  Julian leaps up on a chair and raises his drink to the couple, overbalancing so that he totters into Garak, who catches him deftly.  Julian, his long neck red from hickeys already, turns his head to plant a long sloppy smooch on Garak’s mouth.  Kira laughs and Ezri shrugs before sweeping Kira into a dip and planting one on her also.

 

Quark throws his hands around Odo’s neck, still grinning, and says, “It’s okay I don’t have anything left to say,” and thrusts his tongue into Odo’s surprisingly warm mouth.  At first he meets nothing but a smooth generic surface, then a tongue arises out of nowhere thrusting itself into Quarks mouth.  Odo’s hands reach up to grip the back of Quark’s lumpy head and hold him while they suck face.  

 

Vic clears his throat, and good-naturedly tries to regain control of his party, “Well love is certainly in the air tonight!  I will be singing the next one, in order to uuhh prevent further surprises.  Grab your lover and hold them tight, this’ll be a slow one.  Hopefully it will cool everyone down a bit.”

 

“I’ll need you to come with me, for crimes against auditory enjoyment and disruption of peace.  You just assaulted the ears of everyone here, and I will not let that stand.”  Odo pulls away from Quark and grips the collar of his jacket to pull him towards the exit.  A handcuff appears out of his other hand and snaps itself around Quark’s wrist.

 

“An assault of the ears you say?  Why yes, guilty as charged.”  Quark strokes his lobe with the untethered hand and allows himself to be dragged to Odo’s quarters.

 

The crowd breathes a sigh of relief, now that they can enjoy their romantic evening in relative peace.  All is well.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [And Now for Something Completely Different](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14732582) by [Nekuyo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nekuyo/pseuds/Nekuyo)




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